Sunday, March 7, 2010


One sentence reviews of the 2010 Academy Award Best Picture Nominees (WARNING! Semi-Spoilers):

The Hurt Locker - New Hotdog shows up in Iraq breaking all the rules, existing crew is hostile to New Hotdoggger, several obvious bait-and-switches by the Bad Guys, stereotypical scene of clueless liberal soldier gettin' what's comin' to 'im, war is bad, war changes people, all with nonstop nauseating shaky cam Cinéma vérité pretentiousness.

Inglourious Basterds - Quentin Tarantino reboots World War II as a surreal western starring Brad Pitt who miraculously doesn't act like Brad Pitt, one of the most Evil Nazi SS characters EVAR is introduced and best opening movie scene on record.

Precious - Poor, abused black teenager overcomes wrenching poverty and ignorance, shockingly good acting jobs by all involved, even Mariah Carey can apparently act (YES YOU HEARD ME, MARIAH CAREY CAN ACT! And very well!) and you'll bawl like a baby at the end. (my choice for Best Pic, although I don't think it will win)

An Education - Overly educated young British girl loses her virginity, almost to a banana, in the early 60's and is labeled a whore for this by Emma Thompson, but prevails despite it all.

The Blind Side - Sandra Bullock and a cast of nobody else I know gets involved in the life of a young black boy from the ghetto and everyone in her family is so nice and so perfect you'll cry and wish someone rich had adopted you when you were a teenager, too.

Up - An old man ties balloons to his house and flies away with a young Boy Scout; adventures ensue but not pervy ones, as the previous statement seems to suggest, just really really boring ones.

Up In The Air - George Clooney posturing and mugging as himself while flying all over the country firing people, gets involved with a woman who pwns him, tries to teach people life is meaningless and the movie ends rather flatly and pompously, as if the message was, "Hey, did you know the economy sucks right now?" and you're supposed to react, "GEE WOW REALLY? WHO KNEW??"

District 9 - Aliens come to Earth, spewing vomit and disgusting fluids everywhere and are treated badly in return, shaky cam in full effect to give that "gritty realism" directors love so much these days, broad comparisons to apartheid and racism drawn, mockumentary style a'la Borat, and blah blah blah, very boring.

Avatar - White men of European descent can always do everything better than the indigenous tribes they've come to conquer; taking over their leadership positions, impregnating their women and even becoming their species, too, if necessary because White Men of European Descent are just that good at it.

UPDATE! We just now watched the final contender, A Serious Man, hours before the Oscars:

"American Beauty" meets "A Beautiful Mind" meets "The Burbs" but for Jews instead of Goyim (not that there's anything wrong with that).